Dear Friends of the Heart

I meant to publish this blog a few weeks ago, however, this piece was incredibly hard to write. The reasoning being is how does one say goodbye to people who they had great memories with and many laughs with. Also, who at times you loved. How does one part with the smiles that have pushed you for more. I realized you do not say goodbye, rather you say thank you and still hold those people is friends in heart.

Dear Friends in Heart,

I hope if your reading this that you are in good spirits. I am not writing this letter out of hate or frustration. Rather from a place of love and growth. Time has decided that we were not meant to carry on together. Our paths were meant to cross for a reason, however my instincts are telling me that it is time to part ways. Even though I have tried to fight it for some time, it has been inevitable to fight the feeling of letting go. I have truly enjoyed our good moments and have cried over our bad times. But despite it all, I would like to say thank you. Thank you for the lessons that you have provided. Thank you for all the laughs and tears. The tears have taught me how strong I truly am and was truly cleansing for the soul. Thank you for helping me to realize where my true problems were and helped me to realize what they are. Because you helped to uncover my scars, I am in the process of truly healing them. Thank you for helping me to uncover my courage and helping me to reconnect with who I used to be. Also, thank you for teaching me how to protect myself and realize that I had the power in me. Especially, since for so long I believed that someone else was in control and that I could not get my power back. Because of you, I realize my worth. Realizing my worth was the best thing that happened and you are to thank for that. I hold no bad feelings towards you because the pain I felt is gone. I know that some of the pain will linger, however I now have the tools to handle the pain and most importantly the will to heal. But the most valuable feeling that I gained from us parting is learning to love myself. So, my friend in heart, this is not goodbye, rather us maturing and taking different paths. I am grateful for you and you will forever be a friend in my heart.

Forever Peace and Love

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Go Within

Sometimes it can be hard to deal with certain things. For me, going through graduate school is not the easiest thing especially after your graduate because you are in a constant change. Some of the changes that we face are adjusting to a new school, developing new habits, moving back home and having to change the way you do your homework for the longest. Even in my personal life I am making a great change because I know that some wonderful things are coming my way. Sometimes people forget to mention why going within can be so hard. The reason that it tends to be harder is because doing soul repair requires for one to dig deeply and pull so much toxicity out and dispose of it properly. Also, people tend to exit your life when things start to elevate with in.

Possibly to some people who are reading this, you may think that going within is incredibly cliché and that me being 22 I have not gained a true understanding of what going deep meant. Well, this 22-year-old has been through a great deal of turmoil and abuse. For the longest time, I have always suppressed it and tried to hide it from other people and just say “I’m ok”, when I knew I was not ok. So, going deep for me was truly an emotional process. Some ways that I went deep within me was getting quiet and just thinking about what was going on. Then one day while scrolling through Facebook, a page that I am following said to go within and pull out the hurt and the pain. The key thing that stood out to me from the message was to forgive myself. I had always heard to forgive the person who hurt you, however not many people say to forgive yourself. Even though this week I went deep within this week, I know this is a lifelong process that must be tended to from time to time to keep the negativity from coming back, but the long-term impact is worth it. So, to everyone, don’t be afraid to sit alone and face your dark side. If you need someone to be there as you face that side, please seek someone out. Just remember the goal is to be our true happiest self.

Back Home Blues

I know I was supposed to publish this blog entry two days ago, but I really had a lot on my mind. Since I moved back home, in May, I honestly believed that things would go back to the way they were with one of my friends. I knew that she had made other friends, but I was sure that she would try to include me. And she did, however some of the things she wanted to do was not my cup of tea. For the past two weeks, since starting grad school and being home, it appears that she does not have the time. So, I tried to hang with some of my other friends, however that did not work either. For the past two days I have been trying to understand why I feel the way I do. Trying to understand why I felt unmotivated and had the feeling that I was in a padded room where everyone would check on me occasionally and just do a basic care check. Finally, I admitted to myself that I was feeling lonely. Being in graduate school, not being close to your cohorts (which happens), and not having your close friends with you can make you feel as though you are alone. Earlier this week, I cried myself to sleep. I do not know why I did. All I knew was that I was alone. Very few people in my immediate circle understand the emotional toll it has on someone, especially when that person does not have one person to vent to about it because it’s hard to get the words out. I rarely have the words to express how I’m feeling. I’m like Issa in Insecure, I can rap in the mirror and create scenarios in my mind but when it comes to actually telling people, I am not good at that part.

Life is always about how you react to things. So, I had two choices of how to deal with my loneliness. Either lay in bed and finish binge watching a TV series or go and enjoy life. I choose to go and enjoy life. While being alone sucks, I understand how important it is to do something that truly makes me happy and sometimes while doing those things I will be alone. Even if I start alone and meet someone in this new place that’s good. If I don’t then that’s ok too. But, it has been my experience that sometimes being alone is required for someone to take their lives to the next level, which I agree with. One thing you always hear from people is that true happiness comes from you and if your happy alone then you can be happy with others. I do not disagree with that thought, however its always ok to be sad while being alone. Take the time you need to build yourself back up. It’s a part of life to have things/emotions die inside, but the rebirth of those emotions are always beautiful.

Taking a Break

Prior to me starting graduate school, I had decided that I would take a break because I needed it. I had worked at my job up until the Friday before me starting school on Monday. I had planned a nice relaxing Saturday of doing nothing. Sunday I had planned to go to a festival with my boyfriend. However, my boyfriend at that time decided on Saturday to have a big argument (which to me was over nothing, however his feelings were valid to him and I respect them) and we broke up that day. Also on that Saturday I spent the day with my little brother, which was not too bad. Then Sunday, which is the day I planned to do nothing I needed up running errands and cooking dinner. Not really leaving me much time to relax and think about things. Most importantly not giving myself enough time to get back in the mindset of school. Even though I had just finished school in May, one still needs time to get back into the mindset of school, especially when starting a new program. I started classes on Monday, and I thought I was ready, but was I wrong. I was not motivated what so ever.  I knew I had not thought things through because while I was in school I felt unmotivated, kept thinking “why am I here”, and kept watching random YouTube videos. I even watched the Elle Woods scene in Legally Blonde to try and motivate myself. Even Elle Woods could not help me want to do work. It was during my night class this week that I decided to give myself a break. So, for a day and a half I took the break I needed. I had the chance to just breathe, not worry about errands, or others needs just focused on me. I think the best part was, I took a break from social media (except for YouTube because of TEDx Talks). By practicing self-care, I had the opportunity to rethink what my goals are, my ambitions, listen to TEDx Talks and even practice self-forgiveness, which is always important. By taking a break I realized how tired I was and that I had a little heart work to do. Now that my break is over I feel more prepared to tackle grad school. My message to anyone who is reading this post: Take a break if you need it and if anyone tries to tell you otherwise, tell them to take their stress somewhere else.

Last Road to Law School

So I have been struggling to write this entry because how does one truly cope with their failures. This is my last road to law school blog. Not because I am completely giving up on the idea of law school, rather my life just took a different path. I was rejected by all the law schools that I had applied to expect for one. That one that I had been accepted to required that I complete a pre-law program, however that would have prevented me from going on a family vacation and would require that I shell out more money. Plus, having more debt was not appealing to me. I did what many of fellow seniors where doing at the time, apply for jobs and hope for a miracle. Once I graduated, I had so much lined up for me. Conferences that had inspired me to step out of my comfort zone and a very relaxing vacation to the Caribbean. It was while on that vacation, that I had met a woman who told me to just take the opportunity. The opportunity she was speaking of was going to graduate school. Some people may seem confused about this, thinking “where did the idea of graduate school come from”. After being rejected by one of my schools, their legal department offered me admission into their masters program. I did not know what to do because I had not even considered doing a masters program. However, I considered this program to be a part of fate because a few months prior (before I even was accepted to the master’s program) someone had told me about rather than only considering law schools try some of the masters programs. Then the woman on the cruise told me to just take the chance and get it done. So on my vacation after putting a lot of money towards the trip, I  paid a little bit more for my commitment to graduate school.

I had not believed that I fully committed to graduate school until it was time to register for classes. The main reason was that I had barely believed that I just graduated from undergrad. Describing my emotions prior to that moment would be: surreal. Graduating from college and not knowing what comes next leaves one in a position where they are unsure about certain things. That purgatory feeling was what I felt leading up to graduation. That I was in this constant state of what happens next. From being in a purgatory mindset, I have come to learn that, sometimes one has to walk through an uncomfortable stage in life to get to be where they are supposed to be. That space will be uncomfortable and when one arrives at the destination the person may be confused, but if they go with the flow incredible things begins to happen. To the person reading this who may not know what to do in life, just know when one door closes another one will open.

 

Note: I will now begin to post more consistently. Every Friday I will post about my life and experiences.

LSAT II and II Rejections

Happy New Year to You! If you are reading this, I hope that everything you desire comes true in this New Year. I want to first start off by saying that despite what’s going on the United States, remember not everyone is like the current commander in chief. Rather many people in this country can be kind, generous and accepting of others. However, when the media fuels someone’s hate by constantly broadcasting it, that very reporting can bring out the bad side of a nation. Remember that is only a small few and many of us here in the United States support those seeking safety.

This blog in my road to law school entry is about rejection and preparing for something you know you suck at. First, I’ll discuss what I suck at. I am a horrible test taker, especially standardized test. I think the reason why it is not my strong suit has to do with the fact that I always believed that if I failed this test, then that meant I was a failure in other aspects of my life. I realized it in elementary school when they told me that if you did not do well on standardized test, then you would not get in to the best high schools. So I remember being panicked out of my mind and very well I did not do as well as I could have. In high school, it was the SAT which I panicked with both and took a prep class and still did not do as well as I could have. But that did not stop me from going to college and trying my best. Now that I am in college, it is the LSAT. The test that can determine how much financial aid from the school that I am given. The first time I took the LSAT I was calm, yet deep down I was still very anxious. I was worried about that if I did not do well, then I would not be able to accomplish my goals of helping people. I just have to remember that one number does not and will not dictate how far I will go in life on Saturday.

That idea of making sure I do not put too much pressure on this score does not always ease the mind when it comes to rejections. Even though I am taking the LSAT for the second time, I have applied to all of the law schools I have a strong interest in attending, but I am still uneasy. Even though I feel greatly accomplished by applying to all of the schools, I received two rejection emails. I was sad because I thought that even though I had a low LSAT score I still had a great resume and pretty ok GPA. In no way shape or form am I perfect nor do I pretend to be, but it still hurts on the inside when you do not get into a specific school. These particular schools were not my number one which gives me hope. But there will always be that idea of doubt. However, as I continue down my road to law school I know that for one door that closes, anther and better door will open. So to the person reading this who feels rejected and do not want to take a graduate school exam, keep going, life always seems to get better when everything goes wrong, but you have to keep going to see the better.

2017 and Growth

I am so happy to announce that I have submitted all of my law school applications. I can honestly say that it was the best feeling ever. It felt as though that I had done something major. Almost like having a baby minus the pain of pushing out a baby. However honestly speaking, uploading and filling out the info on the LSAC website was a bit tedious because it was going slow, but I honestly would do it all again. I choose to stay in state for law school because of money. Law school itself is expensive. However, when you add in the cost of living for certain places, it could possibly require me to take out more loans. Plus, the schools that I have chosen have all of the programs that I am interested in. I am very excited about the possibility of taking on a new challenge. But after going through this experience I have learned to just ask about certain things. I had a college where I would have had to pay for an application fee, and I honestly thought they might say no, but I called and asked and all I had to do was send an email. It’s always the little things that make me happy. That’s the type of attitude I want to continue in the new year.

Every year I see people post about “new year new me”. I am one of the people who believes that one does not need the first of the year to change. However, I believe that the “new me” develops when we least expect it. I know for me, that’s exactly what happened. I honestly came into 2016 with no expectations of changing. Even though in the beginning of 2016, I knew I was studying abroad. I did not anticipate the inner change that I would go through. That change brought back the idea of me going to law school because the girls that I was staying with was talking about grad school.

After going through this year with a variety of experiences. I can honestly say that after completing my study abroad, I am a new me. I’ve grown into the person I had always imagined I would be. Since I’m shy I am thinking of the many times that I spoke about my feelings more times this year than I ever had in my life. Also I see myself feeling more comfortable about speaking what’s on my mind and not filling ashamed of it. Maybe it was my internship or studying abroad, whatever it was I am so happy for what 2017 is going to bring. I know that I will have my frustrating moments and there will be times that I am doubting what I am doing. However, I know that I will remain on the path that I was meant to be on which is helping those who want it. My personal best advice to those entering into 2017 is to go in with goals, but allow them to grow so that while achieving a goal, you are learning something about yourself as well.